How to Deal With a Stressful Job and IVF
How do I deal with my stressful job and IVF? Managing career with fertility challenges is hard as we know. There are millions of people (1 in 6) doing some version of exactly that as we speak. There will be a subsection of this group who have the added pressure of yes managing work and fertility challenges, in addition to managing jobs that are particularly stressful alongside IVF.
I would never be so bold as to mention specific jobs that are “particularly stressful” lest I offend anyone who’s job is or isn’t on my list. What is or isn’t stressful is subjective and your response to a stressful situation is personal to you. So I’ll let you be the judge of whether this article feels relevant to you. What I can say confidently is that with “burnout” being a phrase we hear increasingly often, there are a lot of people in very stressful jobs. So how do you deal with that stressful job and IVF?
Prioritise Yourself at Work During IVF
I think that when it comes to prioritising their own needs in the work place there are 3 camps of people (if you think there are more, answers on a postcard please because I love hearing your thoughts).
- Masters at putting themselves first. These people know what they want, they’re not afraid to put that out into the world. They can say “no” with ease, “who can help me with this” rolls off the tongue
and “I’d love to but I don’t have capacity” is an instinctive reflex when they need it. If these people are juggling stressful jobs and IVF, the IVF and everything that comes with it is put first. If you’re not a master at putting yourself first, maybe you’re fascinated with people who do it with such ease? Sometimes you might even be frustrated by them because they’re so at odds with the way that you operate.
- People pleasers who tend to put their own needs aside. These people can get real satisfaction from delivering, from doing a good job, from being reliable and trusted. If they are in the middle of something but someone asks a question that requires time, people pleasers make the time. As rewarding as it can be to be reliable, the cost can be great when you keep bumping your own needs to the bottom of the pile. These people probably find it difficult to juggle a stressful job with IVF because they will often feel very conflicted.
- People who have found that sweet spot in the middle. They’re reliable, they’re generous with their time. But they also have BOUNDARIES. Not just boundaries that are “nice to have” but easily ignored. They have boundaries that they honour and that other people respect because on balance, they deliver.
People pleasers, stressful jobs and IVF
The reality is that those 3 categories are more of a spectrum and very few people sit slap bang in the middle of that sweet spot. As mentioned above, if you’re sitting closer to the People Pleaser end of the spectrum there are going to be times where you feel conflicted.
We mere humans have a limited capacity for stress and IVF is stressful. So if you have a tendency to say yes when you wish you could say “I have too much on” you will quickly find yourself operating at or beyond your stress limit. We can do that in short bursts, cortisol and adrenaline can power us ahead in stressful times. But that certainly isn’t a sustainable way to operate. You wouldn’t be able to run a marathon at the same pace as a 100m sprint would you?
Sometimes the people pleasing isn’t even about saying yes to too much. Sometimes it’s overdelivering and a strong perfectionist drive that’s at play. If asked to deliver A, B and C you might give yourself a gold star for delivering the unasked for D. Because you can and because it feels good. It can be really hard to turn this off and if you do manage to turn it off, feelings of “I’m not good enough” can surface when your work feels less than perfect to you. Even if you made a conscious choice to work differently. This is because our belief systems are developed over a lifetime. It’s very hard to just flick a switch and say “today I’m going to stop being a perfectionist because I have other sh*t going on”.
Your capacity for stress at work and during IVF
It can be easy to forget you have a limited capacity for stress until you’re bursting at the seams with it. If you’ve ever felt burnt out or close to burn out before, you may have even promised yourself you’d recognise the signs and never work like that again. Promises to finish work at X time at least twice a week. Or to be firmer with your diary, to diarise time where you can’t be interrupted. Promises to say no more. Etc etc you’ll know the promises I mean, the ones that last a week or two and then give way to the realities of the job.
Before you know it “you’ve only got a limited capacity for stress” becomes something you vaguely know or even advise other people but completely ignore yourself. Well friend, if you’re doing IVF I invite you to embed that statement in your mind because it is especially poignant for you. Give yourself permission to totally embody that statement. YOU HAVE ONLY GOT A LIMITED CAPACITY FOR STRESS. It’s not a weakness or a flaw, it’s just a reality because you’re a human.
Where do your boundaries need to be during IVF?
If the first question you ask yourself is “what can I stop doing?” that can be really overwhelming to consider. Especially when your people pleasing, perfectionist brain tells you everything is important. But if everything is a priority, nothing is a priority. So a less overwhelming place to start is to hone in on your priorities, what do you really want to protect?
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to stop working at a given time when you have a dinner date or an appointment to get to? How the tone of your conversations changes from “sure, let me take a look” to “I can look but not tonight because I need to get out for XYZ.” Making decisions about your boundaries becomes much easier when you are clear and committed to protecting something.
What you want to protect
One way to get clear and to commit is to write things down. Journal, write a list, brainstorm, whatever works for you but put pen to paper. When it comes to your IVF journey and your wellbeing. Your list will be personal to you but here are some ideas to get you going
- Time for appointments
- My mental health
- Quality time with my partner
- Time in the evenings to decompress
- Decent meals eaten at decent times that aren’t rushed
- Something for me (hobby/activity)
I could keep going but it’s important that you think about your own list so that it feels authentic and you can commit to it. You’ll want to end up with a list of things you are prepared to fiercely protect. Reinforce the importance of every item by writing down why it’s so important to you. What’s at risk if you don’t protect it?
Get specific about your boundaries
So you have a list of things you fiercely want to protect and you’ve committed to their importance. Now turn outwards and take a look at that stressful job of yours. Do a risk assessment. What about your job is a danger to any item on your precious list?
Start to identify realistic boundaries you can put in to minimise those risks. This is where it can start to feel a bit scary, when you might start wondering what’s realistic. It’s so natural to start to falter when considering the reality of putting up a boundary. If you struggle with this, keep going back to the importance of the things on your list. Think of the bolder version of you who said “I can look at that but it will have to be tomorrow because I have a dinner reservation” and put that hat on. If you really had to be bold, what boundary could you put up?
And really importantly, who could help you?
Communication in your stressful job during IVF
People pleasers often find it challenging to communicate their needs. So of course thinking about where you could put a boundary up feels overwhelming. If your mind says “if I don’t do it, no-one else will” and the notion of “unless I ask someone else to” doesn’t even come up, that’s a scary void ahead.
And it’s not always just about delegating. When you’ve been bold and identified your boundaries, a good question to ask next is “what support will I need?” Very often people pleasers feel frustrated because people aren’t helping or reciprocating. But we’re all wired differently so rather than spend time frustrated or resentful, find a way to communicate your needs.
If this is hard (and it can be) see if you can notice anyone in your circle or workplace who is really good at it. What do you like about the way they approach communicating their needs and what would you do differently. You don’t need to copy the boldest person you know, you’ll find your own style that feels authentic. You may well find that you spend more time gearing up for a bold conversation that ends up being very easy in the end.
Honour those boundaries to maintain less stress at work during IVF
You’ve spent the time identifying well thought out boundaries. They are realistic boundaries and you’ve even spent time thinking about what support you need. If you can honour those boundaries throughout your IVF journey, how much easier will things be? Having protected those precious items on your list, how much better for your wellbeing?
Honouring your boundaries is hard, as we discussed. So my final question to you is, how will you keep yourself accountable?
I’m a Career Coach and I coach with a fertility lens. If you’d like to work with me on reducing your Career-Fertility Friction and creating some boundaries around work you can book a free discovery call