Self-Compassion on Your Fertility Journey

I talk about self-compassion a lot in my coaching practice and also in the talks I do. But what exactly is self-compassion and why is it so important during your fertility journey?

The most impactful thing anyone ever said to me on my fertility journey was “be kind to yourself.” When I heard it I think it may have gone over my head, one of those nice things people say when you’re stressed or overdoing things. I didn’t appreciate it for the golden advice it was until much later having read about the psychology of self compassion. Now I often reflect on that conversation and how visibly full of anxiety I was for someone to offer me the gentle advice to be kinder to myself. I now know how important self-compassion is for anyone on their fertility journey and how annoyingly evasive it can be.

Why do we need Self-Compassion?

It would be easy to boil self-compassion down to simply being kind to yourself. But that phrase is so cliché that it loses meaning. It can be easy to associate being kind to yourself with self care activities like yoga or a spa day. Don’t get me wrong, those things are incredible acts of self care but they’re surface level solutions. They might feel good in the moment but they don’t address what’s going on below the surface.

So what is going on below the surface? Before we get into what self-compassion is, let’s look at what it’s addressing. In coaching we love the term “inner-critic” or sometimes we call it a “gremlin.” By inner-critic we mean that nagging voice in our heads that says things like “you’re not good enough” or “you must be perfect to be recognised.” I’m not a fan of the term gremlin because I’m not 5 and whilst “inner-critic” is easy to understand, I prefer “inner ball-breaker.” Because despite all the angst that little nagging voice in our heads can create, I do think it is ultimately well intentioned.

A misguided but well intentioned pesky ball-breaker. And if you haven’t guessed already, your Inner Ball-Breaker is really your own voice and insecurities. Understanding your Inner Ball-Breaker as well intentioned is really the key to self-compassion. Because when you understand and accept where your insecurities come from, you can address them and replace them with a kinder narrative.

Things your Inner Ball-Breaker tells you on your fertility journey

If your Inner Ball-Breaker is misguided but well intentioned, what exactly is the intention and where is it going wrong? The intention is always to protect you. If we look at the example of a perfectionist. Their Inner Ball-Breaker will be saying versions of “you must be perfect to feel good” because somewhere along the line that’s the message they learned. Either because perfection gets praise, or it averts criticism or a combination of both. So that inner ball-breaking voice is just protecting the perfectionist from feeling bad, that’s a good intention.

But your inner voice is so protective and so reactive that it starts pecking your head without properly considering the facts. When it’s pushing you to work beyond your capacity, it’s not considering your stressful fertility journey and the dangers of burnout. When it tells you you’ve not been doing a good job lately, it’s comparing you to a version of you that is not burdened by the emotional strain of grief. Your Inner Ball-Breaker does not recognise when it shifts from motivating you to grinding away your confidence and self worth. Misguided but well intentioned ball-breaking! And we all have an Inner Ball-Breaker, it’s not just the perfectionists.

What does your Inner Ball-Breaker tell you? What is it protecting you from? Where is it unhelpful?

Understanding Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is essentially the counter argument for our Inner Ball-Breaker. It’s the new narrative that is kinder, more understanding and supportive.

Interestingly, self-compassion isn’t about disregarding our Inner Ball-Breaker altogether. When you suppress a feeling, typically it doesn’t go away for long and it comes back with a vengeance. So self-compassion isn’t about supressing our inner voice, it’s about understanding it and gently offering another kinder perspective.

Let’s take the example of the perfectionist again. We said that the perfectionist’s Inner Ball-Breaker’s core message is “be perfect to feel good.” Well if we’re compassionately understanding where that comes from we might notice that the perfectionist felt most loved and praised in life when they were exceptionally good. We might notice that perfectionism is a learned behaviour, be perfect-get praise-feel good. We might even recognise how right the Inner Ball-Breaker has been because it pushes our perfectionist to be the best version of themselves and hey, that does feel good.

So far so compassionately understanding. Self-compassion takes things a step further and says “hey Inner Ball Breaker, I do get where you’re coming from but have you ever considered where you might not be serving our perfectionist?” Self-compassion notices the confidence damaging effect of perfectionist behaviours on your fertility journey and takes on a more self-affirming perspective. “Be perfect to feel good” can become something kinder like any one of these statements;

“I have a lot going on and perfect doesn’t exist so good enough will have to do”
“I believe I am good and worthy regardless of what other people think, therefore good enough is ok”
“Being perfect is energy depleting on balance so I am going to try a different approach”

Unlocking your self-compassion on your fertility journey

Being self-compassionate isn’t easy, it’s not the first tool we tend to pick up. If it were, there wouldn’t be so many books written on the topic. We’d all just do it naturally. A great book on Self Compassion if you’re interested is Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr Kristin Neff. Like all skills, it’s a practice. You find tools and tricks to help yourself learn, you’re clunky at it and often forget but with time you build muscle memory. Here are some great tools to help.

Practice mindfulness: Engaging in mindfulness exercises like meditation or deep breathing helps ground you in the present. You can curb rumination, calming your mind and becoming far more attuned to your thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness enhances self-compassion by allowing you to observe your inner voice and respond with kindness.

Writing a letter to yourself: Slightly different from journaling in that the intention of this letter is specifically to counter the narrative of your Inner Ball-Breaker. Take the time to think about what that Inner Ball-Breaker is saying to you and why. What is it protecting you from and where is it taking things too far? In your letter, compassionately understand where your insecurities come from and counter with words of kindness, encouragement, and support. Remind yourself of your worth, strengths and incredible resilience.

Seek support: I know the term is “self” compassion but everything is easier with help right. One great way to notice when you’re harsh on yourself is to think whether you would say the same thing to a friend in a similar situation. Chances are you would never speak to a friend the way you let your Inner Ball-Breaker speak to you. A great way to practice being kind to yourself is to be open to others being kind to you. Absorb the empathy of others and believe their kind words.