Hope is a helluva drug
What is it that keeps us trying when trying becomes so painfully fruitless? Hope. Hope keeps us going and it’s addictive. I remember that feeling of just wanting to go again as soon as possible when a frozen embryo transfer was unsuccessful. And again and again and again, I didn’t want to have a break and even waiting a for a menstrual cycle in between FETs felt like time wasted. My workplace had an amazingly generous healthcare benefit that covered IVF, essentially feeding my addiction. Had funding been a bigger obstacle, I’d have had to slow down which would certainly been better for my mental health. I’m not saying that benefit is bad by the way lest any of my HR readers get the wrong impression – it’s a seriously good benefit and I wish more companies did it. Buuut (as I always advise) the wellbeing element needs to always be in your conversations and plans!
So of course it impacts work!
Recognising similarities between managing fertility challenges having an addiction would go a long way to explaining how all consuming it can be. Just like the gambler who checks their betting apps constantly, we find ourselves checking ovulation, scrolling through countless forums and TTC content. Obsessing over every body twinge and googling “unusual pregnancy symptoms.” Daydreaming about it. Dreaming about it. Secretly crying. Openly crying. Spending money on treatments, herbs, nutrition and add ons all without paying nearly enough attention to the science and odds. Becoming increasingly obsessed, emotional, fragile. All because we want something, that one thing. And hope keeps us going.
With addictions, your brain is literally rewiring itself to focus on one thing. Does the same rewiring happen in people trying to overcome fertility challenges? If it does, well no wonder it’s difficult to manage career alongside fertility challenges when your brain is working overtime to focus on little else. I’m going to need a neuroscientist to do the research on this because my anecdotal observations are definitely not scientific! That’s my disclaimer not to go quoting this newsletter! This is me thinking out loud and inviting you in.
TTC Anonymous?
At AA meetings, the alcoholics mostly want to give up drinking don’t they. It’s an assumption that most addictions are ultimately bad for you but we’re told TTC tends to have the beautiful, longed for outcome so we don’t really to want to give up. Well, until we do want to give up – let’s face it we don’t often talk about the reality that often people have to confront the difficult decision to stop trying which is so very hard to contemplate.
All this to say, if you’re really struggling with your fertility journey and finding it overwhelming – you’re not doing anything wrong. It IS overwhelming. Acknowledging how obsessive trying to have a baby can become can help you to understand how you’re feeling and potentially unlearn some of the less healthy behaviours you may have adopted. Deleting all of my ovulation apps was a really helpful step for me…why did I even need so many?!
So am I on to something connecting some dots between addiction and TTC? I’m going to keep pulling this thread and see what research I can find. What do you think when you reflect on your own experiences? I’d love to hear your thoughts, your replies often help me shape my own thinking…it’s a team effort changing the landscape of career and fertility so thanks for being part of it!
