Feeling Stuck at Work During Fertility Treatment
Reflecting on conversations with clients and the challenges they present, a common theme is that they feel stuck at work during their fertility treatment. The situations and events differ of course but there’s this overwhelming sense that these strong and successful women want to move forward. That their fertility challenges have been all consuming for so long that when they do manage to come up for air, they look around and notice they want to move forward career-wise.
But taking those first tentative steps forward isn’t always as easy as saying “right, let’s get going again” sometimes there are things to unpick like lost confidence. Sometimes the fertility challenges are still happening. So they feel stuck. Most coaches will tell you that the core issue clients want to address is feeling stuck in some way. Mine are no different and my job is to help them get unstuck, to help them identify their goals and take those first tentative steps forward. Watching that happen is truly a privilege.
Time messes with you during fertility treatment
Because of all the longing and waiting during fertility treatment, time has this cruel way of dragging but also disappearing during your fertility treatment. Two week waits feel like months, time between cycles feel torturous when you just want to go again. The length of a cycle is far longer than you expected. Cycles are cancelled when your body doesn’t play ball. You’re so in tune with your body that you measure time in phases – menstruation, ovulation, luteal, crushing disappointment.
Cycles. All of this cycling and waiting for the next cycle and next disappointment feels like torture in slow motion. In your bubble it does anyway. Whenever you’re jogged out of your bubble and notice what’s been happening outside of it…good lord where did the time go? Friends’ babies are at school suddenly and the unfairness of time’s cruel trick is just showing off in your face at this point.
Stuck at work during fertility treatment
In the same way as you can notice life outside your fertility bubble has progressed quicker than you’d like, you can notice a similar effect at work. Taking your foot off the gas to accommodate your fertility treatment is absolutely the right thing to do. You only have a limited capacity for stress and boundaries around this make total sense. But it’s also totally normal to feel conflicted about this sometimes. Or, after some time to feel like you want to redress the balance a little. This is when clients can need support, when they’re ready to tap the gas again but the thought of doing that throws up some questions and concerns that can root them to the spot. They feel stuck at work as a result of their fertility challenges.
Is this even what I want to do?
If you’re feeling stuck at work during fertility treatment for this reason, it’s so normal. This is a question some people ask themselves regardless of fertility challenges. It’s not unusual to reflect on whether you want to change jobs, go for a promotion or an internal move or even make a bigger career change. But when you’re going through fertility challenges, this can be a question you choose to put to the back of your mind. And for good reason. The amazing growth that comes with change is sometimes a daunting prospect when you’ve got a big demanding bit of life happening outside of work. So it’s not unusual to suck it up and stick with what you’ve got. Knowing you’ve made a conscious choice to stay where you are can be enough to ward off feelings of discontent. Until it’s not. It can be easy to start to feel trapped in your role because of your fertility journey.
There’s a big difference between making a decision to do something and feeling like you have no choice. When you start to tip into the latter, it’s a good idea to analyse your options. All of them, big changes, small changes, wildly creative options, changing nothing at all. Then interrogate those options to the Nth degree.
If I did X what would happen, how could things change, what are the risks, how would I feel? That way, whatever option you ultimately decide upon will feel more like a considered choice. It will feel less like an impulsive decision or a trap that you’re stuck in.
Less confident at work because of fertility treatment
It can be difficult to understand why relentless fertility challenges impact your confidence unless you’ve been through it. There’s the simple fact that you’re constantly reminded that you can’t do something. This can wear you down, even though you know it’s not a reflection on your capability in any other sense.
There’s something about feeling like a failure in one thing that permeates. Illogically, when a work project doesn’t go well you can find yourself thinking “great, ANOTHER thing I can’t do!” As if struggling to get pregnant was relevant in some way. It’s as though your self-worth has this annoying silly thread attached to your fertility. You know the thread is a nonsense and that the two aren’t connected, but maintaining that knowledge takes some effort.
When you’re so focussed on what you can’t do, your inner critic can be a really loud voice. It can drown out any praise and can even challenge your perception. Your inner critic can project itself into the words of your peers and colleagues and have you worrying about what they think.
Then there’s the fact that you’ve got this double life to maintain. The irony of putting on a brave face is that it can actually damage your confidence in the long run. Masking is essentially not being authentic. Not being authentic for a prolonged period of time can leave you feeling unconfident about who you really are.
Regaining confidence at work during or after fertility treatment
This always starts with self compassion. If the reason you feel stuck at work during fertility treatment is because of knocked confidence, be kind to yourself. Writing down all of the ways it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do is a great start. When you can give yourself a bit of validation it can feel quite empowering. To be able to say “I feel like X because of Y” can often inspire action, “now I’m ready to Z.”
Feeling less stuck in career because of fertility challenges
The good news is that feeling stuck in your career is never permanent. There’s always a way forward.
Big goals can feel very far away and unattainable but working on the micro-steps in between is more manageable. Sometimes it can be hard to even know what the goal is without someone to help. This is because when you’re struggling, your field of vision can be narrow and unclear. One of the things I love most about my role as a coach is clearing that fog with my clients. Helping them see what’s possible and how to get there. After such gruelling fertility journeys, it’s what they’re ready for.
If you would like to work with me, here’s how you can do just that
- Book a free 45 min discovery call
- Sign up for a 6 or 12 session program
- Start your program with a detailed assessment of your current situation and where Career-Fertility Friction is showing up for you