Advent Countdown. Hoorah or Bah Humbug?

I’ve been seeing friends’ Christmas trees going up on instagram for over a week! When did we start decorating before December? I know the supermarkets put the Christmas stuff out as soon as they roll the pumpkins away but do we have to follow suit? Sorry if you’ve got your tree up…no judgement from me, just questions that sound judgy 😂. Moving on before I offend anyone, this week I’ve been thinking about how triggering the festive season can be. When I was struggling with work and fertility I found the advent countdown wonderfully Christmassy yes, but it also had this sad and looming feeling about it. 

It’s very hard to explain, you may or may not recognise what I’m talking about. Christmas felt like this milestone coming at me where I’d be thinking “so this wasn’t my year either.” Or where I’d be spending time with other people’s families thinking “look, that’s not me. Again.” Or where I’d be forced to take a break because of my clinic’s festive holiday schedule thinking “I’m wasting a month AND I can’t let my hair down over Christmas because I have a cycle coming up.” It’s not that I didn’t enjoy Christmas, more that it came with all of these extra disappointed feelings, reminders and triggers. 

I think there’s also something about things that are supposed to be enjoyable being spoiled. It’s kind of confronting. One minute I’d be laughing with family or happily wrapping a nephew’s gift, and then some sad thought would burst the bubble and I’d have to work through that clash between festivity and grief. OK hang on I caught myself in an accidental lie there, I HATE wrapping! There’s absolutely no way that memory is associated with wrapping a gift, it must have been some other less tedious and fiddly activity!! I retract but I’m sure you understand the point and can relate. 

Happiness and Sadness Can Coexist 

So what do we do with that looming feeling? How do we enjoy the good bits of the festive period and cope with the harder bits? I think a good place to start is to allow both aspects to exist and to give yourself grace for any difficult feelings that come up. Nothing is spoiled if one moment you feel happy and the next you feel sad, the happiness still existed and will come back to you again (often in a heartbeat because let’s face it, at Christmas there is silliness a-plenty to keep us occupied). But the sadness exists too and is very valid so don’t feel bad for feeling it. There is no “should” about how you feel. You are allowed to feel warm and fuzzy about giving gifts to beloved nieces or nephews and also feel sad about your own fertility grief. You are allowed to enjoy the party but also feel conflicted about having a drink (I vote have the drink and let your hair down if it makes you happy). You are allowed to love your Aunty Shirley but feel enraged at her thoughtless comment about children. 

If you are worried about Christmas being a triggering time, another way to look at it is that you are prepared. If you know difficult feelings are likely to come up, you can be ready for them. You don’t need to push them aside or worry that they are spoiling what should be a happy time. They are your difficult feelings, you expected them, they are totally valid and you’re ok to feel them. So feel them, take a deep breath, process them, let them pass. I promise a happier feeling will come along soon. We are complex creatures, our happiness and our sadness can co-exist. The festive period can be a perfect example of this. 

A Break is Coming

December isn’t just a countdown to Christmas and New Year though is it. There’s a bit of a forced break for you in there too. For many of us, work slows down and stops for a few days at least. If anyone needs a break it’s someone balancing fertility and career. If you are able to, take every opportunity to tap the breaks this December. Let’s face it, it’s the best time of year to slow down because everyone else is in power-down mode too. Sometimes when you’re stressed about your fertility journey and an overwhelming job it can be easy not to notice you have space for a break. Slow down, look up – you’ll see that mostly everyone just wants to put a Christmas jumper on, decorate their desks and finish as early as possible on these dark nights. Join in with even just the finishing early part while you can get away with it. x

Career Coach With a Fertility Lens – How to work with me

I help people balance their careers with their fertility journeys. If you would like support to manage these 2 difficult things when they collide, book a free discovery call with me to learn about my Career Plus Fertility 1:1 Coaching Program