What do the Trump win and Infertility have in common?

Disappointing Outcomes

It feels fitting to reference the US election in this week’s newsletter but don’t worry, I won’t be getting political in the slightest. I make only the most tenuous link when I say that the election result inspired this week’s theme, Disappointing Outcomes. Moving swiftly on from politics, I specifically want to talk about the devastation of experiencing disappointing outcomes when trying to have a baby. Disappointing outcomes that arrive monthly and are perhaps expected in the early days, then changing from bearable to hard to bare. Then barely bearable at all. Then cumulatively more upsetting as time goes on. These outcomes become an increasingly heavy burden that we carry around with us everywhere we go. I would often find myself pushing that burden down as far as I could so that I could get on with my day at work, taking a deep breath before going into a meeting or some other other thing that required my full attention and a fake smile.

I remember having a challenging meeting right after a call with my clinic about a failed cycle, the effort required to get on with the job at hand was immense. Another time, I remember not being able to hold back tears when talking to my manager about a different failed cycle. She was so kind and understanding but weirdly I felt embarrassed. I felt like this wasn’t something I should be bringing to work. But how could I not bring it to work when it was me, my body, my emotions, my experiences. You can’t hang your feelings up with your coat as you walk into the office can you? So I’d take a deep breath and push those feelings down, get on with things and wait to go again.

Yo-Yo

I sometimes call it the “hope-disappointment cycle” but actually I think it’s more a yo-yo effect than a cycle. A repetitive up-down pull on your emotions and because hope is addictive, you keep trying and there’s something of a “here we go again” about the whole process whether you’re trying naturally or doing any kind of fertility treatment. So the big question is, “if disappointing outcomes are unavoidable and I’m going to keep trying regardless, how do I keep going without breaking?”

The less rigid you are, the less likely you are to break

Weird analogy coming but humour me here. Remember the plastic rulers you had in school? There were 2 types, ones made of a shatterproof plastic that you could bend near in half and wouldn’t snap and ones that were a less flexible plastic that easily snapped. If you don’t remember the rulers, it doesn’t matter…you can imagine I’m sure. Think of yourself in the same way, the more you rigidly try to remain steady and unaffected by everything you have going on the more likely you are to break under pressure. If you, like the shatterproof ruler, allow yourself to give a little under pressure, that flex will prevent you snapping or breaking. What could “allowing some give” look like for you? Is it letting yourself feel how you feel instead of pushing the feeling down or away. Is it finding a confidante so that you can be authentic occasionally and relax that brave face? Is it giving yourself a break and finding space to rest and recuperate?

Will disappointing outcomes (whatever they are) ever hurt less? I can’t promise you that I’m afraid. But I do think that allowing yourself to flex when they hit rather than attempting to rigidly stay on course, will help you to withstand them.

One of the many beautiful things I have learned in coaching people who have been on this journey, experiencing many disappointing outcomes and coming through the other side, is that we can do hard things and be ok even if it takes a bit of time.

Career Coach With a Fertility Lens – How to work with me

I help people balance their careers with their fertility journeys. If you would like support to manage these 2 difficult things when they collide, book a free discovery call with me to learn about my Career Plus Fertility 1:1 Coaching Program